toxic relationships

Anti-Toxin

Posted on by Betsy

We are rounding the corner when holidays challenge us to try to spend time with our families. There is an expectation of togetherness that dominates our schedules between Halloween and New Year’s Day. For families that are experiencing dysfunction, these next few months can be extremely disruptive.

Does your family put the “fun” in dysfunctional or is there a deep and toxic undercurrent that threatens your peace? I spoke to a mother who has been battling with a very toxic relative who refuses to listen to her and has rejected all of her words and counsel. When that relative suddenly announced that they were coming for Thanksgiving, the mother responded that this would not work this year. I applaud her conviction in standing up for herself. Let me say this out loud for those in the back: it is okay to walk away from toxic relationships. You can still love people from afar, but to put appropriate boundaries around your heart, your mind, and your sanity is sometimes the only way to negotiate relationships that threaten to undo you.

Not only is it okay to walk away from toxic relationships, but it is also biblical.

In the tenth chapter of Matthew, Jesus was training his disciples to go out and announce that the Messiah had come. He instructed them to knock on the door and offer a blessing of peace. If the blessing was rebuked, Jesus told them to “let your peace return to you” and walk away.

Matthew 10 (New International Version)

13 If the home is deserving, let your peace rest on it; if it is not, let your peace return to you. 14 If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.

Think about your most challenging relationships. If the relationship is deserving, let your peace rest on it. If your words, advice, and loving counsel are rejected over and over again, step away from that relationship and dust off your feet.

This is not to say that we are suddenly relieved of our duty to love others as Christ loves them. This does not discount unconditional love. But loving with healthy boundaries and space is appropriate. Jesus said so.

Are you dreading the holidays? Do you wish you didn’t have to deal with someone this season?

Dust off your feet, stand up for yourself, and walk toward your own peace of mind.

When Peace, Like a River by Kathy Schumacher

Moving Sidewalks

Posted on by Betsy

The instructions are clear. If you choose the moving sidewalk at the airport, you need to step carefully on and off. If you want to stand on the moving sidewalk, please stand on the right, so that others may pass you on the left. I think this is good counsel. After all, they are SIDEWALKS, not SIDESTANDS. So if you want to stand, at least stand to the side so that the walkers can actually MOVE on the MOVING sideWALK. The calm and soothing voice of the announcement that plays over and over is non-confrontational, polite, and instructive.

If this same announcement played in other parts of the country, it might sound different. I grew up in South Jersey, where I imagine it would sound a little more assertive. Think The Sopranos-assertive. If Tony Soprano recorded the announcement it could sound like, “YO! Youze are on the moving SIDEWALK. I SAID SIDEWALK, as in MOVE A-SIDE so that others can WALK. What bozo doesn’t know to move ovuh? WHADDYAZ think this is, the turnpike for cryin’ out loud?? Ah, fuhgeddaboutit.”

Traveling through the magnificent Atlanta airport recently, I encountered several opportunities to observe the moving sidewalks. They connect the ticketing lobbies, baggage claims, and all of the terminals, spanning miles. If I have time, I prefer to walk on the non-moving concourse, but the sidewalks are a good alternative if you have just enough time to use them, and you don’t have to default to the train. You just hope that you can move forward quickly and people won’t get in your way. ATL is huge, with multiple concourses. It processes about 300,000 people a day. A DAY. That’s a lot of moving sidewalk violations right there.

In his letter to the Philippians, Paul writes about moving sidewalks. OK, he writes about metaphorical moving sidewalks:

Philippians 3 (The Message)

Focused on the Goal

13-14 Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.

15-16 So let’s keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you’ll see it yet! Now that we’re on the right track, let’s stay on it.

17-18 Stick with me, friends. Keep track of those you see running this same course, headed for this same goal. There are many out there taking other paths, choosing other goals, and trying to get you to go along with them. I’ve warned you of them many times; sadly, I’m having to do it again. All they want is easy street.

Paul encourages us to keep moving forward with our eyes on the goal. He warns us that others, who are looking for the easy sidewalk, will block us and stand in our way. But we are to walk forward and NOT TURN BACK.

I know a woman who is struggling with two significant family relationships. She can’t move forward with the situation as it is, and so she has addressed it with them. They are a stumbling block to her, blocking her spirit, her joy, and her goal of pursuing a life that reflects her relationship with God. She has chosen sobriety, while they have chosen to take other paths. She has chosen honesty, while they have chosen avoidance. As she keeps her eye on the way forward, she has no choice but to not look back. If she were to do so, she would surely fall off the moving sidewalk.

Does this resonate with you? Is God calling you to a way forward that means you have to leave the past behind? Is God inviting you to pursue him at the cost of everything else? Do you need to shed toxic relationships in order to attain the goal of the abundant life offered by Christ?

Wherever your moving sidewalk is headed, step on with care. Keep your eyes always looking forward. Carefully make your way around others who try to block your progress. And no matter what, don’t look back.

Passing on the Left in Concourse B.