At Water’s Edge

Is it just me, or do people seem to really struggle with saying, “I’m sorry” these days? There appears to be some kind of cultural shift taking place, where “I’m sorry” is seen as an act of unacceptable weakness or submission, so in our SELFIE OR DIE culture, words of apology remain unsaid because the higher value of BEING RIGHT is prized more.

I blame The Real Housewives of (insert city name of choice here). This Bravo television franchise has been a ratings powerhouse for over thirteen years and features the personal and professional lives of some of the most unrepentant women to walk the face of the earth. Ridiculous spat after ridiculous spat shows the viewers the bitterness, hurt and division that can happen when people refuse to say, “I’m sorry”. One argument can provide four or five episodes of high ratings drama, as each party spins and grinds out one justification after another rationalization about why they were right, and the other woman should apologize.

Have you ever had that kind of drama in your relationships? Where the pressing need to be right only oppresses both of you by the weight of its own blind stubbornness?

A few weeks ago I had a startling encounter with an elderly woman on the street in State College, PA. I was walking down a sidewalk, making my way around a construction site that was butting right up to the sidewalk’s edge. There was a tall chain link fence separating the construction from the sidewalk, and the concrete had cracked and buckled as a result of the demolition. I was carefully making my way through this mess, looking down to avoid tripping. If you know me, you understand why this is a priority! I glanced up as I approached an intersection, and saw this lady unsteadily crossing the street toward me.

We met just at the place where the sidewalk was the most narrow and there was a light pole in the middle, and I didn’t look up fast enough. Thinking she was going left, I hastened my pace and went right, almost running her down. She was instantly offended.

“That’s right, go ahead, please, you go first!” she yelled as she flattened herself against the fence. “You saw that I’m an old person and you are young, but please, do come through first!” I was appalled at what I had done. She teetered on a broken piece of sidewalk and I gently took her arm. Instantly she yelled, “DON’T TOUCH ME.”

Could this get any worse?

I looked her in the eyes and said, “I do apologize. I am so sorry. I misjudged your direction and thought you were going around the other side of the pole.”

She seemed very confused at my response, but that didn’t stop her attack. “You could see that I’m an old woman and not steady on my feet, but yes, let me get out of YOUR way” she yelled.

At that point all I wanted to do was run away. I felt the instant shame and embarrassment of having hurt this lady’s feelings. I had made her feel unseen and unimportant. Jesus would have noticed her like a Zacchaeus in a tree, wee little man that he was.

I lowered my voice and said, “I truly apologize. It won’t happen again.” Finally she seemed to realize that I was trying saying I’m sorry. She pushed past me and said, “Well thank you for saying that, but you young people have no regard for us older people.” And as she walked away, she continued her rant. Loudly. Causing everyone to stare.

She lives in a college town and probably feels this way for a reason. I don’t know if she was coming from church or a bar. Maybe her unsteadiness is a challenge for getting around a town full of distracted, phone-obsessed students every day. We never know the struggles people are facing. But all I wanted was forgiveness, and she wasn’t offering any. It still bothers me.

I found relief in the arms of my Savior. When I reached my hotel room a few minutes later, I sat on the bed and cried. My need for absolution was overwhelming. I didn’t receive it from her, so I had to take it to the cross. I asked God to forgive me. It took a day or two (OK, truth be told, its taken a few weeks) to shake the experience, but God gave me the peace that she would not give.

Whom do you need to say “I’m sorry” to today? What place of your life remains unsettled because of a lack of forgiveness? In the book of Matthew we receive instructions about this:

Matthew 5:23: So if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and while there you remember that your brother has something [such as a grievance or legitimate complaint] against you, 24 leave your offering there at the altar and go. First make peace with your brother, and then come and present your offering.

Jesus tells us this for our own sake as much as for our offended brother. Make that call, send that text, visit that person today. It’s the only way to find peace.

“Peace like a river….” Spring Creek in Happy Valley, PA. Photo credit @JayPaterno

In the course of ministry, I have had both the blessing and curse of doing marriage and relationship counseling. It’s a blessing when the time spent together bears fruit and you get to watch that relationship be healed. It’s a curse when you sit, listen, gently offer alternatives, and then realize they will just ignore everything that has been discussed so that they can remain angry, self-righteous, and stuck on the polarized sides of “I’m right and you’re wrong”. Worst yet is when children become pawns on this bloody game of chess and are used to do battle against each other. It happens. All the time.

Anytime trust is broken in any relationship, there is only one way back, and it is a hard and painful path. It requires forgiveness. But so many of us act like forgiveness is a precious commodity, something we have to horde and keep locked away for fear of the vulnerability it takes to give it freely. Yet forgiveness is the only thing that can move a relationship forward when it is stuck at an impasse.

Jesus speaks a clear word of direction on this matter. When the disciples asked him to teach them to pray, he spoke the beautiful words of The Lord’s Prayer in response. In this prayer, he makes the startling connection between being forgiven and offering forgiveness:

“And forgive us our trespasses/debts/sins, AS WE FORGIVE those who trespasses/are our debtors/sin against us.”

Forgiveness is conditional. You don’t get it if you don’t give it. If this was the gold standard for behavior, people would be conditioned to say, “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you” easier and faster, so that everyone could get to forgiveness without delay.

What if Jesus withheld forgiving you until you forgave others?

Lack of forgiveness is a place of imprisonment. But what most people don’t realize is that it imprisons YOU, not the person who has trespassed against you. They are likely going about their business, enjoying life, while you are paralyzed as you spin and agitate. You become trapped in a cycle of replaying the offense, justifying your response, amplifying your response, and setting your feet in the concrete of unforgiveness. It is very likely that the person doesn’t even deserve your forgiveness….but forgive them anyway.

We don’t deserve Christ’s forgiveness….no way, no how. But he gives it anyway. By his grace we are offered the key that unlocks us from our sins, shame and self-condemnation, and sets us free to walk away lighter and more at peace. And he expects us to do this for each other.

Whom do you need to forgive? Take the first step today.

“For the fountain of life pours into you every time that you find me, and this is the secret of growing in the delight and favor of God.” PS 8:35

This little breakfast biscuit of Old Testament wisdom and a good cup of coffee will surely start the day right! We owe thanks to Todd Blackledge, former PSU and Pro football player and current ESPN sports analyst, for this beautiful reminder today. This was what he tweeted recently. I follow Todd because every morning he tweets a brief scripture that always speaks into my day. Maybe I should use his daily tweets as a lectionary and call it the Blackledge Uncommon Lectionary. (The Common Lectionary is a prescribed set of weekly scriptures in a three year cycle. Each week contains an Old Testament, New Testament, Epistle and a Psalm selection. It was created so that pastors wouldn’t preach John 3:16 every Sunday.) But I digress.

This Psalm is striking in that it would easily be a modern day meme or Pinterest graphic. Can’t you see it on a black and white kitchen chalkboard, or stenciled onto a tea towel? Except if it were, it would probably, and very wrongly, substitute the word “Universe” for “God”. Somehow society has decided that the “Universe” has some kind of mystical power over us, as though the Universe is a force unto itself. Social media is full of this stuff, and it is alarming to me to see how many people quote, worship, and rely on the “Universe” for guidance and answers.

As if.

Only the Creator of the Universe has any power over us. Only the one who called the Universe into its very existence can give direction, healing, and answers. Looking to the “universe” for help and meaning is a dry and fruitless search. Nothing to see there, except dust and hollowness. The “universe” is a product of creation, not the author of it.

The Psalmist knew this, and knew that God is the only source of the fountain of life. Indeed, life pours into us when we seek and find God, and the fountain contains living water. Jesus is that effervescence, who brings a sparkling promise into the stillness of our parched throats. As the French would say, he is water ‘avec gas’…..bubbly, alive, moving and thirst-quenching for life.

Jesus called himself Living Water, and taught us that if we drink of his Living Water, we will never thirst again. This caught a young woman very off guard at a well once, when she had come at noon to fill her pitcher. Jesus startled her first by asking to drink from her non-kosher pitcher, a big no-no for their two cultures. Immediately he was letting her know that she was accepted. The mid-day meeting indicated that her own culture had ostracized her and she was not permitted to gather water early in the morning with the rest of the gals. But Jesus accepted her. He then revealed his Messiahship and offered her Living Water:

John 4:13 Jesus replied, “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. 14 But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.”

If you desire to grow in the “delight of God and enter into his pleasure”, you only need to enter into his presence. Coming before him daily, as we do when we sit with that marvelous thing he created on the eighth day….coffee in a favorite mug….delights him. Searching your heart when you search the scriptures delights him. Taking everything to him in prayer delights him. Drinking a full glass of living water every day delights him. Did you hear that? YOU delight the creator of the universe. Go, you! And go this day to delight him.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+4&version=NLT

Thanks to Michelle Robertson.

Growing up on the East Coast allowed me to experience the Atlantic Ocean from many vantage points. We were campers, and every summer weekend and the long awaited, blessed two week vacation (cue the Doxology!) saw us hauling a trailer anywhere from Canada to Florida. But our favorite place was a small campground on the Indian River Bay in Delaware called Sandy Cove. My memories of those days are filled with laughter, sunlight, fresh seafood that we caught ourselves, and my mother.

Most days we piled into the car and drove a few short miles to the ocean. After settling in with umbrellas, chairs, blankets and towels, my mother and I would walk the beach, sometimes for miles. We camped with a group of families, and these private walks were a moment of respite for both of us. We explored, gathered seagull feathers and shells, tickled our toes in the cold water, but mostly we talked.

We planned my college days and my wedding on that beach. We dissected what was wrong with other members of the family….never US, just the rest of the gang. She taught me about life, love and politics. Every walk was a history lesson as my brilliant mother put the world into context for me. Those moments with her are forever woven into my memory, my personality, and maybe even my DNA.

My mother is gone now. There is no more wisdom to glean, but the part of her that loved the beach and those precious mother-daughter times lives on in me.

Now, I walk with Jesus. I am daily reminded of his promise, “Do not let your heart be troubled, and neither let it be afraid. I will not leave you orphaned.” Loosing my parents made me feel like an orphan, but Jesus reminds me that he is always present and has prepared a room for all of us. My parents are there, and Mom is waiting for me to come and pound the sands of heaven with her someday.

John 14 has beautiful words of assurance for all who wait. Jesus was speaking to his disciples, getting them ready for his death and departure. Of all that is precious in that chapter, this might just be my favorite part:

“Peace I leave with you. MY peace I give to you, I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and neither let them be afraid.”

Where is Jesus speaking peace into your life today? Don’t be troubled. He is here.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John14&version=NIV

Happy Mother’s Day!

And speaking of mothers, can we talk about superheroes? The recent rise of Marvel movies have once again brought superheroes to the forefront. Black Panther, Captain Marvel and Avengers Endgame have brought a plethora of superheroes to the screen, and to our imaginations. I bet your kids love superheroes! I do, too. Whether it’s Iron Man, the Hulk, Wonder Woman, Black Widow or the Wasp, all Superheroes have four things in common:

Courage.

A Strong Moral Code.

A High Tolerance for Pain.

Extraordinary Powers and Ability.

And funny enough, this list of super powers is also a list of characteristics of motherhood.

Courage

It takes a lot of courage to be a mom. Just ask any mom who has had to watch her child be strapped down to a gurney in the Emergency Room after an accident. Just ask every mom who has had to hold a screaming child getting a shot. In every case, kids are looking to us to tell them its OK, because when we are brave, they can be brave. From that first cry of “Momeeeee” in the morning to the last request for one more drink of water at the end of the day, it is a 24/7 situation of having to be brave every minute. This motherhood thing ain’t for sissies. Jesus once said, “Let not your hearts be troubled, and neither let them be afraid.” I believe he said that while watching a mother soothe her child with a 105 degree fever in the middle of the night, waiting for the ambulance to arrive. Supergirls can handle things that nobody else can.

A Strong Moral Code

Superhero movies are kind of the last place where moral codes are important these days. Yet moms live, eat and have their being in the Land of Strong Moral Code. Think about how many times moms say to children, “Don’t do that, its not nice.” “Stop hitting your brother, we don’t do that.” “Say please and thank you.” “Stop picking your nose.” “Don’t talk with your mouth full. Don’t chew with your mouths open!” Moms are the Guardians of the Galaxy of Good Behavior. The scriptures remind us to “raise up a child in the way they should go, and when they are grown, they will not depart from it.” So you go, Wonder Women! You are creating productive and polite citizens of the planet earth.

A High Tolerance for Pain

Please! Can we talk about childbirth??? After nine months of carrying a growing alien parasite on top of your bladder? Remember the early days of breastfeeding? And as children grow, the pain changes….watching them get hurt, seeing them struggle, experiencing rejection with them for the first time, watching them fail… Girlfriends, the pain is real. When our children hurt, we hurt. But God created mothers to be strong enough to endure the pain. When I think about how much pain a mother can endure, I remember that Jesus’ mother Mary was at the cross, and watched her son be beaten and die for the salvation of the world. Moms can tolerate a lot of pain and hurt, and yet respond with love through it all. ‘Cause that’s what Superheroes do.

Extraordinary Powers and Abilities:

Only mothers can breast feed a baby, get gum out of a two year old’s hair, make dinosaur-shaped pasta and meatballs in less than a minute, and vacuum under the sofa ALL AT THE SAME TIME. And did you know, moms possess two amazing super powers that the mere mortals they live with absolutely do NOT possess.

1. Mothers can FIND THINGS. Nobody else in the house can find their own heads on their shoulders, but Moms can find things. A mother can find the toddler’s left shoe, the son’s basketball shorts AND her husband’s keys. ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Moms find things!

2. And second, moms possess that amazing, other-worldly ability that no one else seems to be able to do the way a mom can…I’m talking about changing poopy diapers. Not just the regular poopy ones, but the explosive, Krakatoa poops that go up the child’s back, out the neck of the shirt and all over the car seat. Yes, superhero moms can do it all, I tell you!

A mother’s super powers are limitless, but possibly the best super power mothers have is PRAYER. We have the power to change and alter our kids’ lives with the powerful aspect of direct communication with God through prayer. Nobody prays for you like your Momma. And heaven knows moms pray all the time…like, “Lord, this kid is working my last nerve and if you want to see him live to be 4, help me!!” “And my favorite prayer of motherhood: “Lord, give me patience. And give it to me right now!” And mothers, if you think you pray a lot for your children now, just wait until they are TEENAGERS. WITH DRIVER’S LICENSES. AND BOYFRIENDS/GIRLFRIENDS.

But you already know how you’ll get through those days. Take it to the Lord in prayer. Remember, before they were ours, our children belonged to God. He came to give them life and give it abundantly, and he is on their side. And yours.

God is our true Superhero, and his super powers to care for, love and protect our children even outweigh a mother’s. So when you hit that wall that is guaranteed to come, pray. Just pray. And know that God hears you. And sees you. And loves you.